Misery
by RedBarron
Summary: "He wept bittery into his shoulder, because he knew the day would not be over anytime soon." Rated M just to be safe. Crackfic. Do not read this.


Zuko looked over the horizon, sighing at how perfect the day was. When Sokka arrived, unwanted as ever with a huge grin upon his face, "HEY ZUKO! YOU WANT TO SWORD FIGHT?"

Zuko pulled away annoyed rubbing his ears, "Stop screaming when I'm right here. And no, I don't."

"Oh come on! It will be fun!"

Zuko gave a reluctant sigh, rolled his eyes and replied, "Fine."

They both assembled at their location, just an arm span from one another. Neither had wielded a sword before so the art was quite foreign. "Alright!" Sokka yelled. "On three you fight me, okay?"

"Okay..." Zuko was cut off.

"THREE!"  
"Wait! What?"

In a quick slash, Sokka brought his sword down with full force and sliced at Zuko's sword, completely missing it and accidentally cutting off his hands.

The hands fell off next to his sword as blood started pouring out of his wrist.

"AH! _Scheisse_! OH FUCK IT HURTS! AH! AH!"

Sokka looked at the agonized Zuko incensed. "Zuko, why did you do that? You were suppose to fight me, not stand there and do nothing. Now I got blood on my sword!"

"AH! OH! IT HURTS SO MUCH!" the disabled fire lord kept wailing. "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT DICKHEAD?" he cried out to Sokka.

Sokka was taken back and offended. "Hey hey hey! No need to resort to name calling Mr. Potty Mouth. I think you need to adopt some maturity."

The fire lord kept yelling out in agony. "Get me to a doctor, so he can reattach my hands and I CAN STRANGLE YOU!"

Sokka brushed his hand on his shirt and looked off annoyed, "That all depends, am I still a dickhead?"

Zuko collapsed in a pile of his own blood gasping for his life. "No," he said gasping in a croaked voice, "I take it back, your not a dickhead. Please get me to a doctor."

A huge smile reappeared on Sokka's face, "Okay buddy, just let me tie those wrist up." He then took off Zuko's belt and used it to bind the wrist so they wouldn't bleed anymore.

"Why does it have to be my belt?" Zuko asked still pissed.

"Ahem! Someone has to drag your lazy hand-less butt to the hospital. And I am sure as hell not going to parade in front of the ladies hauling you around and me with no belt on."

Zuko's eyes began twitching with rage as he gritted his teeth, "Just...get me to the doctor."

"CAN DO!"

He hauled Zuko up and plopped him in his cart.

Sokka began driving down the dirt road at a snails pace, enjoying the sun, humming to himself, considering it a Sunday stroll. While Zuko moaned in the back. "Hey!" Sokka yelled, "Shut up! I'm trying to enjoy the scenery and your ruining it with your drama queen attitude. Ya know what? The World doesn't revolve _just_ around you. I think some therapy would do you a lot of good."

Zuko shook in rage, unable to do anything, afraid moving would cause him to bleed again.

They came to a hill on which the road ran along. Beneath the hill, was a freshly tilled and manured field, that had recently been planted. As they went along, Sokka noticed a penny on the ledge next to him and went to grab it. As he did it caused the cart to lean, and Zuko to fall out the other end. He tumbled all the way down the hill and landed face first in a pile of manure.

Sokka turned around to show Zuko his penny when he noticed him missing. He saw him at the bottom and called out, "ZUKO! YOU CAN FROLICK IN THE FLOWERS LATER! WE HAVE TO GET TO THE DOCTOR YOU WANTED SO BAD!"

Zuko buried his head in his arms and cried bitterly, because he knew he wouldn't be getting to the doctor anytime soon...

"ZUKO!"

"Yeah..." he groaned out.

"DO YOU THINK YOU CAN WALK IT!"

"No..."

"THATS TOO BAD! BECAUSE IF YOUR NOT HERE IN LIKE 2 MINUTES IM OUTTA HERE!"

Zuko pulled himself from the muck, miserable and smelling awful. He tried to take a step, but his pants fell around his ankles revealing his silk boxers and causing him to trip and fall into the manure again.

At this point Sokka burst out laughing, "BWAHAHA! You should look at yourself! LOL! I should have totally got that and put that on YouTube!"

Zuko abandoned his trousers in the muck, keeping his proud defiance as he tried to scale the hill. He struggled, wincing every step of the way. About half way up Sokka screamed "Come on Zuko! You can do it!".

Zuko swore underneath his breath. "I swear you are dead man if I ever get out of this alive."

When he reached the top, Sokka was already pulling away on his cart, going much faster than before. "Hey!" Zuko yelled "I'm running behind it! I'm not in the cart!"

"Can't slow down Zuko! Have a lot of time to make up. Can't stop and watch the scenery now, Hospital closes at 6."

Zuko ran as fast he could, yielding his shirt in the process. Now he was nothing but bare flesh with a pair of boxers on. He jumped into the cart, and hauled himself up so he wouldn't fall out.

When they went a little further, Sokka came to an abrupt stop. "Why are we stopping?" Zuko asked, "I'm still dying here!"

"Cool your horses, Rondo, so I can cool mine. They are exhausted having to haul your _extra_ weight around." The horse then snickered in Sokka's ear, "Oh, and Sparkles just told me you need to lose some weight. Cut off the honey buns, fat boy!"

Zuko just ignored it now with a cruel indifference. Right after Sokka unhitched the horses and brought them to the well, Katara came strolling by. Singing something in a different language, "_Auf der Heide bluht, ein kleines Blumelein. Und das heisst: ERIKA!"_

Zuko saw his chance, "Katara," he moaned out.

"Who calls?" she replied.

"Over here..."

She looked into the cart to see the half naked Zuko, beaten and bruised, hands missing and manure and dirt coated, lying in the cart. "Oh my God! Zuko what happened?"

His eyes looked up with a glimmer of hope. "Your brother cut off my hands, and now he's trying to kill me."

"Oh My..." she was distracted as she looked over his sweat coated abs, "..._oh my_..."

"KATARA!"

"What? Oh yeah. Don't worry Zuko, I want let my brother destroy your sexiness."

Deep down Zuko was relieved that he was being rescued, and so decided to ignore that comment.

But all of a sudden a vine shot out from a hole in the ground near by and wrapped around Katara's leg. "Whats going on!" she screamed in horror.

The vine then pulled her to the ground and slid her across the ground to the hole, and pulled her inside, cracking her neck and spine from her brain, killing her instantly, causing the body to convulse unnaturally as it was pulled under ground.

Zuko looked on in pure horror as Sokka came and re-hitched the horses. Zuko tried to make words... "So, so, Sokka...your sister!"

He made a dismissive gesture with his hand, "Eh, my sister can go to h*ll." Suddenly a huge engulf of fire spat from the hole shooting her charred skull high into the air.

Zuko was now utterly devoid of any hope that he would escape the clutches of this idiot alive. He started planning how he could escape. _Maybe I could convince him that he was the next Avatar and that he could fly? Maybe he'd jump off the cliff._

After a while of driving, Sokka turned to look at the unhappy Zuko who was lying there motionless, with no joy in his eyes, looking blankly off into space. "Hey, Zuko? Why you so down buddy? We're almost here."

He feigned happiness, for it only seemed if he got upset that all this crap, both figuratively and literally, would keep happening to him. He put on a smile, "Why no, Sokka, you mistake me. I'm not sad, I'm just as gay as I could be."

Sokka snickered, "You said 'gay'".

Zuko made a hollow laugh, "Oh Sokka, you got me on that one. Always the kidder. But as much as I would love for you to keep laughing at the way I talk, I would really appreciate it if you could get me to the Hospital,". B_efore you too will need intensive care._

"Sure thing, Zuko. Just hold on, one second." Sokka then pulled the carriage into a bar. "Before we do that, I need to go score with the ladies. You won't mind will ya? Nah! Of course not!"

Zuko was about on the tipping point of madness. _Is this what Azula had to put with her friends? It's no wonder she needed mental help! How can anyone stand this?_

"Oh yeah" Sokka said, "I need you to get into this sack."

Zuko desperately held back his anger in his smile, "Why?"

"Because...Zuko...I can't go into a bar and hope to get some with a half-naked, hand-less, smells-like-a-sewer, son of a fire lord in my cart. Pfff! They might think I'm a serial killer of some sort."

_If you aren't I soon will be._

So ,with much struggle, Zuko was finally forced into the burlap sack Sokka had produced. Gasping for air inside the tightly confined bag.

Then, an old many in his eighties walked by and examined the rustling sack. "Eh...must of bagged em' a raccoon and didn't quite kill' it. I'll help em'" The old man then held up his cane.

Zuko realized what was about to happen, "No no no! I'm not a raccoon!"

But the old man who was almost deaf anyway proceeded to bodily pummel the 'head' the raccoon. "Yep, just bash' it's brain in. Sure fire way to end their misery," Little did he realize the "head" was Zuko's groin.

He moaned in a sequel every time a blow descended. Only to the further provocation of the old man, "DIE YOU SUMBITCH!" He continued beating until the prince made no more sounds and remained still. "Yup', that's how it's done." He then continued triumphantly to the bar.

At that point, Sokka emerged from the establishment, with lipstick on his face and a pair of panties hanging on his shoulder. Waving a goodbye to somebody inside.

He went to the sack and undid the binding. "Okay, now we can go to the hospital." Zuko didn't respond, his face was pale white and he didn't move. "Zuko! Are you dead?"

He responded in almost an unhearably high squeaky voice, "I might as well be."

"Eh, you'll be fine. Now let's get to the Hospital."

The duo finally reached the hospital after 8 hours of weary travel. When they pulled to the front doors, Zuko jumped out, sputtering like a mad-man, kicking his heels for joy as he rushed inside. He was quickly given a room and told to wait with Sokka.

The Doctor, a swarthy looking man, stepped into the room and exclaimed, "P.U SON! Ya smell like you've been rolling in cow shit!"

Zuko pointed his severed wrist at Sokka, "BLAME HIM! Now please will you look at my hands!"

"Fine..." he took a magnifying glass and examined where they were severed. "Yes... they are defintely off." he remarked.

"I KNOW THAT! CAN YOU REATTACH THEM!"

"Seesh, simmer down son. It's not that bad."

Zuko's eyes became dark, "You have now idea."

"Hmmm...I can reattach them, but I'll have to cut of your genitals for the genetic material."

"WHAT!" Zuko yelled, assuming this horrible day wasn't over.

"Ho ho ho. Just kidding...Ah, I get my daughter with that one every time. Ahhh...kids. Do you have any kids of your own?"

Zuko remembered the incident at the bar, "No. And I don't think I ever will!"

"Okay,well best I put you under immediately so I can operate."

"FINE! GIVE IT TO ME!"

The doctor then took out a mallet and whammed him on his noggin, knocking him out instantly. He looked at the bruise on Zuko: "Damn budget cuts."

When Zuko awoke, he move his fingers. And a sense of joy overcame him. "Doc you did it! My hands!"

"Yes, the operation was a complete success, if I do say so myself." the doctor replied.

"One thing doc..."

"Hm?"

"I don't think you put them on right." Zuko's hands were put on wrong way, with him palms facing outward.

Suddenly Sokka came in. "Wow! Shit dude! That's awesome!"

Zuko lunged for him, "COME HERE SO I CAN STRANGLE YOU!" Zuko couldn't grasp his scrawny gullet though, and soon Sokka was out of arm's length.

Zuko turned to the doctor, "Doc! Fix me! Now!"

The doctor then whammed him with the mallet yet again.

This time when he woke up, his hands were where they should be. Zuko sighed, "Your amazing doc."

"No problem! Just doing my job. By the way, I also gave you a bath. After the seventh time I accidentally barfed on your body I couldn't handle the smell anymore.

Zuko ignored the blunt remark. "Where is Sokka so I can finally strangle him?".

"Your friend with the jokes? Well he tried to hit on one of the nurses, so she threw him out the window onto a passing ice-cream truck."

Zuko gave him a pat on the shoulder and a thankful look, "I think that's the way he wanted to go doc..."

"Oh yes." the doctor replied, "One of your friends is here."

He walked into the other room were Katara laid on her bed watching television, completely fine with no sign of injury or anything. "Katara, your alive!" Zuko exclaimed.

"Yup," she said with a smile, "The vine monster was actually a plot hole that dropped me right here! Imagine that! It wanted you Zuko. You should have jumped in after me though! This is going to make the make-up sex all the less gratifying."

Zuko, shook his head, "What?"

To which Katara replied in a happy voice, "What?"

"But Zuzu, because you didn't jump in, the vine monster is going to rape you with it's tentacles! Bye Bye!"

All of a sudden from out of the hospital drain, the vine emerged and grabbed Zuko by the leg. "Dammit..."

**Reviews would be muched appreciated.**


End file.
